Zebediah Thistlehorn, The Velour Mongoose

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 15:06:04 GMT

From my Italian friend who can barely speak English and never ever emails me.

From: daitan III
To: Kiki
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 2004 10:44:58 +0100
Subject: telefilm

hi kikki,
yesterday i forgot to tell you if you see the telefilm:
now in italy there is a beautiful telefilm call "O.C.",did you see it? maybe it's near to end (sigh!!!).see you later
Ale

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 16:39:21 GMT

I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're all invited.

Let me know if you want to come.

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 14:02:24 GMT

Mmmmmmm Thorpedo.

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 00:54:08 GMT

I have to share this:

Today I went to see children from public schools across New York compete in a ballroom dance competition. They foxtrotted, tangoed, and merengued their way into my heart. I have never seen so many little kids excited about something so nerdy. It was amazing.

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 20:16:43 GMT

I had a dream in Florida and it went like this:

I was seeing my friend's band play and when they were done he came up to me and said, "Did you bring me back anything from Florida?" I had not, and so I panicked -- at that moment, Dwayne Wayne from A Different World flew down from the sky. He was dressed in grey raggedly clothes and was wrapped in chains, much as the ghost of Christmas past. "I know a place with good souveniers," he said. He took me in his arms and we flew through the starry night. "Dwayne," I said, "Did you and Whitley ever get together?" He didn't answer me and instead took me to a warehouse where there was only one shelf, on that shelf were lockets with moving pictures inside. They sang or told stories. I don't remember which.

The end.

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 22:05:32 GMT

An addendum to prior entry:

Also, to just up the posh of my humble residence, the management has deemed it appropriate to place a pine shaped car air-freshener on the inside handle of the front door. To give my lobby that oh so classy new car smell.

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 18:28:37 GMT

So the damn Buddhists are back. I didn't even know that they were gone but I saw them coming into my building yesterday afternoon, with their saffron robes and luggage with Free Tibet stickers on it -- and then as I tried to fall asleep last night the telltale insence wafting into my bedroom window. I tried in vain to close my window, but it was stuck, and so I resigned myself to the smell, and as I grew accustomed to it and began to drift off, that was right about when someone on the lower floors started a party, blasting Spanish radio up into my window, and I tried again to close it but had to resort instead to covering my head with two pillows.

This is not to mention the deranged monkey/dying bird that lived with some disillusioned pirate on the 4th floor. It is, presumably, tortured on a daily at around 6am.

Oh, I just love my building.

Mon, 08 Sep 2003 04:01:34 GMT

Here is another story to entertain Melissa.

This one has to do with a certain someone who will not be named... it's an old but familiar tale. I wrote a play about it.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Scene 1 : The living room

[The scene: a darkened living room, illuminated by the glow of the television. On the couch facing the tv sit TAD, a boy with a gigantic head, and KIKI, a lovely princess. KIKI is huddled in the far corner of the couch, while TAD sits in the middle. He seems preoccupied.]

TAD: Hey Kiki...

KIKI: SHHH! I'm trying to watch this Agatha Christie movie! Oh, what on earth will that clever Hercule Poirot think of next??

TAD: Um.

KIKI: Be quiet, I can't hear what's going on. I do so enjoy a proper English mystery show.

[TAD puts his hand across the 2 feet that seperate them and places it on KIKI's knee.]

KIKI: [Slaps his hand] What are you doing??

TAD: [Sheepishly] Um.

KIKI: I am watching TV, you know.

[KIKI crosses her arms and moves her legs out of TAD's reach.]

TAD: Would you like a foot massage?

KIKI: NO, gross.

TAD: [Offended] I was just asking.

Scene 2 : The kitchen

[TAD, KIKI, HARON, and BAIDEN sit around a table. They are all drinking beer except for KIKI who is obviously drinking some frou frou cocktail.]

TAD: You know, I wouldn't say this if I wasn't so drunk, but I put my picture on ratemycock.com and only got a 2 out of 10.

BAIDEN: [Points to the half full bottle of beer] Hey man, isn't that your first one?

TAD: Oh, yeah. [Leaves]

HARON: [To KIKI] Was that another pick up line?

KIKI: [Sighs]

THE END

Also, here is some old advice.

SmokeyJones: dont let him touch you
SmokeyJones: he might knock you out with his head and take advantage of you
SmokeyJones: come to think of it, you should probably wear a helmet of some sort

Sun, 07 Sep 2003 04:35:12 GMT

This is the beginning of a new arsenic_cookie.

I was told today that I am a big weirdo because every new entry that my friend came upon was on Duchesses and souffles. So I'm turning over a new leaf, and from now on, all my entries will be devoted to entertaining Melissa, bless her little Puerto Rican heart.

I will start by reminding her of some good times:

My dad loves white castle. I could take it or leave it because to be frank that stuff's pretty nasty but my fascination with small/mini things makes it ok. Anyway, he loves WC, and Max has never been, so one day my father said, Max, you've never been? Let us go and feast like kings! (He actually said feast like kings, I don't make that sort of thing up.) So they went and to facilitate the feating, they took a bottle of wine with them and lived it up.

The end.

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 23:16:44 GMT

Hello. I am update mad today.

And, like, finally, I have my own show on the WB.

My LiveJournal Sitcom
arsenic_cookie in a party (WB, 12:30): arsenic_cookie (Garry Shandling) buys heavyhanded (Natasha Henstridge)'s old pain-killer tablets. Later, rjwhite (John Wayne) borrows money from tonyz (Joe Pesci)'s co-worker. That same day, stephenl (Candice Bergen) buys a wheelbarrow from armh (Ali Larter). Upstairs, shekb (Dudley Moore) misinterprets an email from cherry_cherry (Louis Prima) and tries to get into the cinema for free. Also, justinsomething (Fairuza Balk) teaches santaroberto (Ewan McGregor) about Marxism. Insanity ensues. TV-G.
What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)

My LiveJournal Sitcom

arsenic_cookie in a party (WB, 12:30): arsenic_cookie (Garry Shandling) buys heavyhanded (Natasha Henstridge)'s old pain-killer tablets. Later, rjwhite (John Wayne) borrows money from tonyz (Joe Pesci)'s co-worker. That same day, stephenl (Candice Bergen) buys a wheelbarrow from armh (Ali Larter). Upstairs, shekb (Dudley Moore) misinterprets an email from cherry_cherry (Louis Prima) and tries to get into the cinema for free. Also, justinsomething (Fairuza Balk) teaches santaroberto (Ewan McGregor) about Marxism. Insanity ensues. TV-G.

What's Your LiveJournal Sitcom? (by rfreebern)

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 21:33:42 GMT

As of today, no more dirty work. As of tomorrow, only clean work.

I saved Rock and Roll! (?)

There was something else I was meant to say.

Sun, 03 Aug 2003 16:48:18 GMT

Oh, I had quite forgotten about this:

The Paint Collective

Thu, 31 Jul 2003 14:25:38 GMT

The Duchess, gazing over the fields behind the manor house, realized with a sudden pang that despite the sun reflecting brightly on the creek and the quiet hum and shimmer of the grass (so green, that it couldn't possibly be real) and the sky so blue that she thought she was dreaming -- despite all this, she longed for the cinematic black and white of winter.

Wed, 25 Jun 2003 19:51:33 GMT

As per request, I post the following:

A photograph from a fancy lunch with stephenl, where were delegated to a sectioned off corner because we are the hoi poloi.

Sat, 21 Jun 2003 22:20:58 GMT

hi justin you inspired me.

oh no!

it's the RED BULL!

Tue, 17 Jun 2003 04:37:03 GMT

My favorite thing about New York is the subways. The most amazing things happen underground. Often times the craziest people zig zag through the subterranean corridors, dancing or muttering or playing an electric keyboard.

Or, sometimes, they mistake a young asian girl for their sister and try to steal their make up.

Today, that person was me.

oh my!

Tue, 10 Jun 2003 21:02:43 GMT

Hi, Im arsenic cookie... ooooh, blahblahblah...

IM ARSENIC COOKIE!!!!

loook at me.

Im stupid, and stuff...

Sat, 07 Jun 2003 05:10:35 GMT

This is what I heard on the subway tonight.

"Learning to speak German is totally easy. I mean, speaking German is basically like speaking English when you're drunk."

Mon, 05 May 2003 18:52:35 GMT

Party at my apt, Friday night. You are all invited.

I wanted to call our apartment FabulousFace but that idea just didn't jive.

Wed, 26 Mar 2003 01:45:34 GMT

Hell no.

Mon, 03 Feb 2003 03:47:16 GMT

I'm a smitten kitten.

Fri, 17 Jan 2003 05:22:06 GMT

DaftPunka: heres a movie you may or may not have seen.
slimpy foo: is it good?
DaftPunka: it's called, Attack of the Frying Pan
slimpy foo: wow
slimpy foo: who is attacking and who is being atacked?
DaftPunka: Melissa is attacking me
slimpy foo: I never liked that melissa
DaftPunka: but wait! she gets her comeuppance in the sequel, Revenge of the Plantain
slimpy foo: goddamn, I love it
slimpy foo: revenge is a dish best served plantain style
DaftPunka: YES!
DaftPunka: ThATS IT!
THE TAGLINE IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR!
slimpy foo: some call me a genius
slimpy foo: but I just sit at the keyboard and let the Lord work through me
DaftPunka: i need a tagline for the first one.
slimpy foo: okay
slimpy foo: It needs to start with "In a world without rules..."
slimpy foo: blah blah blah
slimpy foo: "In a world without rules, you learn to watch your noggin"

Thu, 19 Dec 2002 04:37:16 GMT

When Anna Carteret was 11 years old, she threw her little brother Oliver, whom she adored, into the Ittybittywasee river near her house. The current was strong and pulled his body away from the town – it was never found, and no one ever suspected that his disappearance had anything to do with Anna. About 8 months after she threw him into the river, Anna’s father, whose nervous condition was complicated by the incident, decided a change of scenery was in order. Bidding his family goodbye, he embarked on a 3-month safari in Africa. Upon his return(to the states), he had a stopover in California, and whilst visiting the world famous San Diego Zoo, he was fiercely attacked by a Bengal tiger and died 3 days later at the hospital, where he contracted a virus from a sick orderly. Anna’s mother, upon hearing this news, was so distraught that she , in classical ironic form threw herself into the same river that Oly had been thrown into almost exactly a year earlier. Consequently, Anna was sent to live with family in the suburbs of Chicago, and it was there, after 9 uneventful years, that she met Roger Curtis Jr., a charmingly awkward balloon stand attendant . After just (however many months) Anna and Roger Curtis Jr. were married and moved to Minnesota, where he took over running Curtis’ Crackers founded by Roger Curtis Sr in 1906. Anna never told anyone about killing her brother, which, incidentally, she had done quite intentionally.

Thu, 19 Dec 2002 04:23:48 GMT

He is spaces
A slight parting of lips when he sleeps
(And dreams – as the air rushes slowly out through the gap
of empty landfills graves and concrete swimming pools)
A blank moment filled with the hesitation
Of a smile that flickers dimly
And the space that grows between
His eyes
And his mouth –
The heat from his lips
filtering away
Into some sullen black void.

Thu, 12 Dec 2002 17:04:26 GMT

So I guess I started early.

Mother: I was thinking about when I was pregnant and papa was in VA and you and I used to have a nightcap everynight.
Me: Oh no! fetal alcohol syndrome!
Mother: No, that was NIKI! You used to say "Mamma, beviamo quel vino" and you'd get the Kalhua out of the liquor cabinet and we'd have it with hot milk.
Me: Well, that is a perfect example of why drinking when pregnant is a bad idea. And why I am a lush.